That feeling, that the sky is falling, the anxiety of losing an important person from our life, the grief. Letting go of your relationship, whether you wanted the breakup or not is a difficult thing to do. You need to let go of the person you once loved or still love. You need to let go of the dreams you had with that person, of the life you thought you would have shared together. You might even think that this awful feeling is not going away, nonsense. The one important thing to understand is that your feelings do not need to change in order for you to be okay.
This is my own personal journey of going through a divorce. Those are the steps that are helping me. Consider them as a suggestion, and try and explore what is helpful for you so you can take back control over your life.
There is nothing wrong with you.
Usually, after a breakup, our brain will start to analyze different situations that happened through the relationship. You will start wondering what is wrong with you? Where did I go wrong? If I did that one thing he wanted would it have ended a different way would we still be together? If I just stop nagging would have he shown me more affection? and how you could have changed the outcome. Remember, there is nothing wrong with you, get out of your head, break these thoughts, there is no reason to keep thinking about the past, and start moving on.
Feel-good hormones, dopamine, and oxytocin.
Breakups are so difficult and painful for a good reason, your body is withdrawing. You see, the brain releases dopamine and oxytocin hormones when experiencing intimacy, touch, and love. Suddenly your main source of feel-good hormones is gone. This might lead to behavior that will not help you like checking your ex-social media, walking by your ex’s apartment as well as checking your phone constantly in the hope that your ex might send a message. You are trying to do what you can in order to “feel good” again, even if it is just for a brief moment. So what should you do? Like any other withdrawal, you want to give your body those hormones but from a healthy source. Working out for as little as 30 minutes a day can give your body the feel-good hormones that it needs. Find which kind of workout works for you and stick to it, make a goal of how many days during the week you can commit, and follow that.
Give yourself time.
Grief can take time, remember that and allow it to yourself. Allow yourself to feel the way you feel, avoiding your feelings can lead you to end up in another relationship that is not good for you. Let yourself experience those feelings of sadness, anger, fear, disappointment and whatever else you might feel, it will help you analyze your relationship, what was wrong with them, and how to make better choices in the future so you will not find yourself again with a partner that doesn’t suit you.
Saving the moment list.
There are a lot of ups and downs throughout the breakup journey. Some moments are more difficult than others, some moments will push you to your limit and will make you want to contact your ex or any other unhealthy behavior. It will be easier to go through these critical moments if you will have a list of things you should do at these moments. That list can include some friends you will call, reading a book, running, going on a walk, and whatever works for you. Make sure to write down your list so you will have it ready for the time needed.
Take a break.
You need that, so take a break. Go be with your family and friends. Remember breakup/divorce is like going through grief, and no one should go through grief alone. Hug and embrace your people, the ones who truly care for you and will always be there for you.
Something you must remember throughout this healing journey is that your feelings are not permanent. Remembering this will change the trajectory of your healing and life.
I am still building my own journey, I can’t say it is easy to do but I can say it is blessed and powerful to become strong again I am going to put myself first. I am going to take control of my life.