Have you noticed repeating patterns in your love life?
Have you wondered why you keep ending up in the same situation, despite different partners? Do you have a tendency to become clingy or jealous?
Are you more involved than your partner?
Maybe you want to be with someone, but as soon as things get emotionally intimate, you back off?
Nevertheless, you may have never thought about or analyzed your behavior in relationships…
Understandable, but have you noticed any of the above repeating tendencies in your love life? This is because you fall within the category of an insecure attachment style in relationships. Inherently, many of us do not belong to the secure and healthy attachment group.
Fortunately, with work and effort, you can alter your attachment style to a secure and healthy attachment group.
Step One: Recognize your type of attachment style.
There are four different attachments:
Adults with an anxious attachment style can have difficulties building healthy relationships. They value their relationship highly but find themselves worried their loved one isn’t as invested in the relationship. The thought of breaking the relationship or being alone causes a high level of anxiety. They can have a negative self-image, and they often seek approval, support, and responsiveness from their partner. Adults with anxious attachment style see their partner as the “better half”.
The relationship with an anxious attachment person is accompanied by a strong fear of abandonment, and safety is a priority. To avoid anxiety, they must receive attention, care, and responsiveness from their partner. The absence of support and intimacy makes them more clingy and demanding. Lastly, they are preoccupied with the relationship and desperate for love.
In a relationship, people with an avoidant attachment style may not be aware of how their attachment style makes it difficult for their partners. They perceive themselves as lone wolves, strong, independent, and self-sufficient. Usually, they have no problem with physical contact but struggle on an emotional level. The avoidant type tends to believe that they do not have to be in a relationship to feel complete. Instead, they rely on their successes to feel complete. These people have high self-esteem and a positive view of themselves. They do not want to depend on others and prefer that no one will depend on them. Adults with this attachment style generally avoid emotional closeness. They tend to hide or suppress their feelings, especially when facing dense emotional situations.
For adults with this style of attachment, their partner is the source of both desire and fear. They tend to show unstable and ambiguous behaviors in their social bonds. They seek intimacy and closeness, but at the same time, experience trouble trusting and depending on others. They do not know how to regulate their emotions well and avoid strong emotional attachment, due to their fear of getting hurt. Subsequently, causing them to lose their relationship.
Step Two: Introspectively, understand why you are either anxious, avoidant, or disorganized with insecure attachment styles. This group is unhealthy and will not lead to a healthy relationship. If you or your partner has an insecure attachment style, you will struggle to develop security and comfort in the relationship.
Secure attachment groups are comfortable expressing emotions openly, as well as accepting and acknowledging their partner’s feelings. Their partner can depend on them if needed, and vice versa. The secure attachment type thrives in their relationships, and at the same time, they do not fear being on their own. They do not depend on the responsiveness or approval of their partner and tend to have a positive view of themselves and others.
We want to remember that relationships are based on honesty, tolerance, and emotional closeness. These are the building blocks of a healthy relationship. Attachment styles are not easy to change, but with the right effort and work it can be done.
Thus, do not let your attachment style ruin your relationship. At the same time, do not stay in an unhealthy relationship. If your partner has one of the unhealthy attachment styles and is not willing to work on their part, then consider walking away. A lasting, healthy relationship can not be foundationally based on an unhealthy attachment style.
Step Three: In order to alter your attachment style, you can work with a therapist, friend, or refer to a book. Regardless, you can not do it on your own. Make sure you get the help you need to become the best version of yourself, and so you can live a deservedly happy life.