What If You're Not Asking for Too Much, You're Just Trying to Get It From the Wrong Person?

The problem isn't always that you have unrealistic expectations. Sometimes, it's that you're trying to build the right relationship with the wrong person.

The Difference Between Compromise and Losing Yourself

Every healthy relationship requires compromise. No one will meet all your expectations all the time, and expecting a partner to read your mind or never disappoint you isn't realistic.

But there's a difference between compromising and constantly negotiating against your own needs.

Compromise means two people are willing to understand each other and make adjustments.

Losing yourself means you're the only one adjusting.

You stop bringing up things that bother you because you don't want to seem difficult. You convince yourself that wanting consistency makes you needy. You accept less communication, less effort, and less affection because you're afraid that asking for more will push him away.

Eventually, you may become so focused on keeping the relationship that you forget to ask whether the relationship is actually making you happy.

Start Asking a Different Question

Instead of asking, "How can I get him to want me more?" try asking yourself:

• Do I like the way I feel when I'm around this person?

• Am I attracted to who he is today, or to who I hope he'll become?

• Do I feel comfortable expressing my needs, or am I constantly afraid of his reaction?

• Is the effort mutual, or am I carrying the relationship?

• If nothing about this relationship changed, would I genuinely be happy staying in it?

These questions aren't meant to make you suspicious of every relationship or walk away at the first sign of difficulty. They're meant to help you stop treating being chosen as the ultimate measure of your worth.

Because the goal isn't to find someone who never disappoints you. It's to find someone with whom you can build a relationship where both people are willing to show up, communicate, and grow.